Southern States Translations, A Reference Guide

I love living in the South.   We have our own way of life down here accented by hospitality and a slow, deliberate way of enjoying life.   The classic images of moonlight and magnolias, wisteria and jasmine….they are all perfectly fitting.   Add a front porch, a hot summer day, and some sweet tea to the equation, and you have the perfect mix of “Southernology”. 

We also have our very own special way of speaking and interacting with each other, too.  In case you need a little help understanding us, here is a general reference guide:

·         “Goodness Gracious”! – awww, that’s too bad (…for you…).

·         “Goodness Graaycious”! – you really should have known better

·         “Bless your heart” – when combined with “goodness graaycious” this means you really should have known better, but obviously you don’t.  “Bless your heart” = pity.  Sometimes this is sincere, sometimes it’s not.  If you ever receive an insincere “bless your heart” (and, yes, you will know), it's bad news.  And, sincerely, bless your heart. (see what I did there?)

·         “Ohhhhh, that’s so cuuuute”- no it’s not - the key is to listen for the exaggerated vowels.  You should go home and re-think your entire life philosophy starting with your wardrobe.  Don’t leave the house until you’re done thinking everything through.  It may also help if you make a list of all of your questionable choices.  Start with college.

·         “I swear to God”! – get out of the way because stuff is about to get REAL.  You may even want to say a quick prayer for yourself because God has, indeed, been summoned.

·         A conversation between two women:  Woman 1: “Did you hear…?”  Woman 2:  Nods head and purses lips, “I sure did…” – someone did something that is too heinous to even say out loud.  These women just had an entire conversation - non-verbally, in a split second - about someone (probably another woman) in which they fully discussed the understood transgression, judged “the culprit” two ways to Sunday, while simultaneously deciding to remove said culprit from their Christmas card list…permanently…

·         Speaking of “heinous” – this can be interchanged with “hideous”.  If your name is ever mentioned in the same sentence as either “heinous” or “hideous”, you should move.  I hear San Diego has beautiful year-round weather.

·         “Isn’t that sweet”? – this can either be sincere, or it can be a passive-aggressive verbal assault.  Either way, you’re on your own with this one.  Good luck.

·         “DAMN IT!” – if you got a Southern woman to cuss – move.  Out of state. Immediately.  I also hear San Diego has pretty beaches.  Be sure to take your sun screen.

·         “Heyyallhowyadoin?” – this needs interpretation?